Rules of the House

One of the things I get do as a part of being a consultant and earlier, when I was a special educator, is working with parents to help them problem solve ways to better respond to and understand their child's challenging behavior. 

Today, I had the pleasure of working with five teen moms of children ranging from prenatal to 3 years old. We were focusing on how to teach you children what you would like them to do. 

Part of this is re-framing our directions and rules for children from "Don'ts" to "Dos." For information on giving directions, here is a link to a family handout "How to Give Clear Directions". 

I'm going to focus on how to create family house rules with young children. How did you learn the rules for your home of origin? If you grew up like me, they were spoken to us regularly when we broke rules or annoyed our parents. The rules I remember most were these:

1. No going barefoot in the house until you get in bed
2. No friends aloud upstairs
3. No talking about family business outside of the house
4. The kitchen is closed after dinner. 

I can also remember when and why each of these rules was established. My sister cut her foot on a piece of broken glass in the house, hence we must have shoes on. Ten dollars was stolen from my dad's dresser--thus no friends upstairs. My parents were very protective of their privacy, and there were six kids who could blabber their business, so we were asked to keep our the privacy. We also tended to graze in the kitchen until bedtime, often on the food my mother was planning on having for dinner on other nights. 

One problem with these rules, other than it shows my parents' hot buttons, is that they are all stated as Don'ts, with the exception of rule number four. What's a little funny about number four is that, while the kitchen was closed after dinner (my dad literally closed the doors to that room), when my parents went to bed, it magically opened back up again. With a little tweaking, these rules could be stated so that we knew what was allowed. 

1. Keep shoes on inside until you got to bed
2. Friends stay on the first floor or in the basement
3. What happens in this house stays in this house (yep--it was our home rule before Vegas had that slogan) 
4. The kitchen is closed after dinner and until breakfast (closes our loophole) 

If you have young children, you probably have some rules for home. Are they stated in a way that the children know what TO DO instead of what not to do? For example, if one of your rules is, "No running inside," that leaves a lot of choices. Can I skip? Jump? Roll? However, restated as, "We walk when we are inside," is much clearer and more likely what most parents mean by the "no running" rule. 

Here are some suggested "Rules for creating family rules" for young children. 

1. Keep the list between 3 and 5 rules
2. Phrase them descriptively with the behavior you want to see
3. Pick rules that can be applied to a lot of situations
4. Teach your kids the rules and talk about the rules when they are not being broken.
5. Write the rules down and find visuals to go with them. 

Here is an example of family rules with visuals to go with them

Here is an example from The Pyramid Model of a list of house rules stated clearly

• Clean up after yourself
• Use a quiet voice indoors
• Ask before you use something that is not yours
• Use words to solve problems

Some other ideas that the young parents in my group today came up with: 

• Use gentle touch with people and pets
• Feet need to stay on or near the floor
• When you are mad, find a place to calm down or take breaths

The rules you choose need to make sense for your family and your household. That's why each family has different rules. The last thing is to take some time to share and practice the rules with your children. Have them demonstrate what "walking feet" or "cleaning up after yourself" look like. Make a poster of the rules with pictures so you children have a reminder that they can reference, even when you are not stating the rules. You can also reference that visual list before activities to remind them what the rules are. It is also important that the rules apply to everyone--adults in the family need to be good role models for following the rules. 

Rules, stated positively and shared are one way to help the expectations for your children to be predictable. When kids know what is expected, they are less likely to engage in challenging behavior.